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4 Celebs Who Tried a Music Career

When you get to a certain level of stardom, it stands to reason that you begin to feel a little invincible. Whether you found a break on commercials, talent shows, random chance, social media, or a sex tape, surrounding yourself with yes-men is going to happen. From micro-influencers to movie icons, there is literally never a shortage of ass-kissers ready to smooch the backends of non-peasants, i.e, the rest of us. It's too bad that none of these had someone in their corner to knock the mic from their hands.

  1. Paris Hilton: "Stars Are Blind" 2006

Oh, you know I had to include Paris. I'm not altogether sure who her target demographics were, but I'm not convinced that she knew either. From her stupid baby voice (what is with this shit?) to the blatant ripoff of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game", the whole video is literally just Paris Hilton being the blond stereotype she claims to hate. Stars Are Blind (nope, no irony here), is almost 4 minutes long. To be honest, listening to Paris SPEAK with that stupid cooing affect is enough to make someone want to step into traffic, but she had to go and set it to actual rhythm. And that's where she fucked up. The amount of narcissism is what we'd expect of someone who released a recording of herself getting banged. But, with lyrics like these, surely we can give her a pass. They are absolutely profound:

I don't mind spending some time

Just hanging here with you

'Cause I don't find too many guys

That treat me like you do

Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride

But when I walk they talk of suicide

Some people never get beyond their stupid pride

But you can see the real me inside

And I'm satisfied, oh no, ohh

2. Steven Seagal: "Songs From the Crystal Cave" 2004

I vaguely remember when Girl It's Alright came out and I loved it. Not really. I had to look up the release date of this song and realized, dear god, that this song is part of an ALBUM. Now, I'm not sure what type of genre I expected Steven Seagal to kung fu his way into, but it wasn't Soul. Look at the fucking album cover. Look at the album title. From either of these things and the wee bit of knowledge I possess from accidentally watching part of one of his movies, I expected a bit more...hardness. In fairness, he doesn't have the worst voice I've heard, but it's generic. He doesn't know whether to be Smokey Robinson or Bono or (seriously) Bob Marley. The entire album is just all over the damn place. Kind of like his fighting style, but less entertaining. Oh, and it's accompanied by a totally unnecessary backing gospel choir. Given his God complex, that's the only thing in this album that makes any sense.

3. Corey Feldman: "Comeback King" 2022

Now, I know that Corey has had a rather rough go at things. But, the man has a management team. At any point, surely his team would have pulled him aside and told him that releasing this Michael Jackson-inspired catastrophe was a bad idea. I'd like to think that maybe they thought they were doing him a favor. Ya know, let him express himself in a healthy way. I mean, he obviously has some psychological issues and I can see why anyone would be hesitant to restrain his creativity. But, sometimes encouraging madness is not necessarily the most therapeutic means to channel it. Nobody did him any favors and he's now a fucking meme. This song is an absolute disaster from start to finish and they let Corey TOUR with this content. On second thought, everybody involved in this shit should be fired, hung by their toes, and fed toast.

4. Gweneth Paltrow: "Country Strong" 2010

Where the fuck do I even start? If you could think of one celebrity that is absolutely antithetical to country ANYTHING, it's this hippie dipster of a woman. You can't watch the music video without knowing that this shit was in a movie. Now, actors take on roles all the time in biopics. It necessitates that they go into character. But how the fuck are you going to cast someone whose only experience with country culture is that she's seen some farmland as she flies over it in her personal jet? Remember the Garth Brooks/ Chris Gaines fiasco that had music fans from all genres going apeshit? Chris Gaines was a character for a 1999 movie, The Lamb, that never happened. It's been over 20 years and people are still fucking bamboozled. But, Gweneth Paltrow can step away from her collection of vampire repellent (!) and vag steamers to just pop up singing a country song and fly under the genre-bending radar? Since we're doing this shit, let's just go all out. I'd like to see Anne Hathaway in a deathcore montage. Stay tuned, literally and figuratively.


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